But at this time of year, we also think of things besides the material parts of Christmas. We think of the fun and laughter that family and friends bring. We are thankful for the family (blood-related or not) that is gathered around, and we cherish the memories of the members that we've lost. Sometimes we grieve, too.
I've been left alone with my thoughts today as I decorated the house for Christmas, and I started grieving for those I've lost. There were no tears, but how I miss them.
I woke up at seven -- after falling asleep at three am -- and tried to get ready for the day. But I woke up with a terribly sore throat. After stumbling around looking at clothing options, I decided to stay in my pajamas and lay on the couch watching whatever show was on Netflix at the moment.
My dad got up around seven, too, because he had to be at work at eight (he works three miles away from our house). Then he came to the top of the stairs -- two steps that lead into our living room -- and said, "Sara passed away."
Sara Lynn was my great-aunt. She was diagnosed with cancer between three and five years ago, and it's been a rollercoaster ride ever since. I mentioned her in this post. She died at four am today, December 9th, 2015.
It's so weird when you think of death and life. December 9th, 2015...every day this year was her last. It was her last January 16th, her last September 28th. Last year was her last Christmas, and I'll bet she didn't know it.
This could be the last day...and none of us would know it.
This post is going in an entirely different direction than what I intended. What I intended to say was that I'm missing so many people this year. More than five people have been taken from our closely-knit church family this year, besides my aunt. And then there were those we've lost in years past -- great-grandmothers and grandfathers, great-aunts, friends....and one sticks out to me clearly.
I never met him, but I feel as though I have. He was very close to me...not in a relationship-way, because we never met...
He was my brother. He never had a name...so I'll call him Brother.
If he'd been carried to term, he would be sixteen this fall. We were just a year apart.
He had Down Syndrome, also known as Trisonomy 21. He had one extra chromosome, and that changed his fate.
Maybe it wasn't just that extra chromosome. But in my world of trying to find someone to blame -- not that I should, but I do -- I like to blame that extra chromosome. Before I knew chromosomes, I blamed God.
But God loved my brother so much that He let him forgo the life he would have known. The life I know...where we fear everything from gluten to ISIS. (That being said, some really do get sick from consuming gluten, and ISIS is a real threat).
So tonight, after thinking of the boy we lost to Heaven, I wrote him a letter. In honor of everyone who's lost someone to Down Syndrome...
December 9th, 2015
I wonder who you are. Who you would have been on earth.
I know you had Down Syndrome. Did you have a flattened nose and brushstrokes on the irises of your eyes?
Would you have been shorter? Mentally retarded?
Oh, but I would have loved you so. I, your little sister...I love you even now. :)
The secrets I would have told you, the questions I would have asked...
Would you have liked blue, like Momma and me? Would you have loved music like I do?
Would you have joined the church choir and sang in the bass section? Would you have loved me?
I feel certain that you do. And I love you so, my brother.
~ Your sister
And then...just for the heck of it, and because I'm being a total emotional teenager, I wrote him a poem.
Oh, the things I oft
wonder
Of the life you might
have led!
If only you weren’t
taken…
If things were different
instead.
The things I would have
told you!
Oh, the things I would
have asked…
I wish you would have
lived much longer…
But Heaven held a
diff’rent task.
Would you have loved the
sunsets?
Were your eyes sky-blue
and fair?
The Father called you
Home that day,
Oh, it must be beautiful
up there.
Yes, Heaven must be
gorgeous;
Just to live without one
fear!
I love you, my dear
brother…
And I know that you are
near.
~Grace
So....that's me tonight. And now I'm texting my best guy friend and being such a mess and he's tolerating it just as wonderfully as he always does. Man, that dude's a hero. :)
It's 10:49, and I need sleep. But I'm listening to the Gardiner Sisters on YouTube and thinking about my brother. Yes, I talk to him. Yes, I long to meet him face-to-face someday. :)
~Grace
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