Because of one awesome person named Promise.
Well, you see, in case you hadn't noticed, Promise has this incredible gift for writing songs. She can take the neatest words and set them to a tune that will always have you humming along.
Promise sent me a song today. And it touched me. Deep, deep down in my soul, it touched me...more than Danny Gokey's Tell Your Heart to Beat Again. And that means that it really touched me. After I had listened to it the first time -- and wept -- I pulled up Word Works Processor and played the song again. This time I wrote the words down. And continued crying.
This is part of what she said:
Know things are crazy -- just hold on...God's got a plan now; He'll make you strong...Let me show you what you can't see, How you're made so beautifully, And what you mean to me...
After I read the lyrics in their entirety, I cried again. It was just so beautiful, and it was perfect.
In 2015, I walked through the rivers of deep, turbulent water. I walked through fire. I was like a piece of gold put through the furnace to be refined.
My grandparents' health fell apart. My dad got depression. My mom's health has been getting worse for years now. We lost one of my favorite priesthood members, someone my family had taken in as our son, brother, and uncle. And then? And then the doctors told me that they thought I was diabetic, that they needed to check me for a thyroid issue. I knew other things were wrong too. And my tonsils -- oh, my tonsils. They swelled so badly that they almost suffocated me on December 11th and again on January 4th.
And when that happened, I fell into a hole. You see...I lied to myself, and I told myself things that aren't true -- not in the least.
I told myself that I was too loud, too forward, trying too hard to be funny and a friend to everyone. I told myself that I was awkward and dumb and that I was always doing stupid things. Worst of all, I told myself that I wasn't good enough. I told myself that I wasn't good enough for anyone, and I tricked myself into believing that the only reason people were still my "friends" is because they felt sorry for me.
And after I'd tricked myself into believing those things, I didn't trust anyone anymore. People would say, "I love you!" and they would give me hugs, but I never believed them. I thought they were lying to make me feel better about myself.
Trying to get up in the morning and face life was painful. Looking forward to a day of just bullying myself was almost more than I could bear. I only told one person, but I knew others could tell.
One of my best guy friends got into a car accident in November. When I told him how much I'd miss him if he had died (like he could have, if the Lord hadn't stepped in the way He did), my friend didn't believe me at first. And knowing that he thought of himself that way sent me diving into the bathroom, crying.
And then my tonsils swelled. I texted a friend, who texted more friends, and pretty soon my whole youth group was praying for me that Friday afternoon. They said prayers for me in their meeting that night, the next day, and that Sunday morning, too. Going to church that day, their love washed over me and I was taken aback at how much they must love me.
But pretty soon, the old thoughts -- the old lies -- came back. They had just told me because they wanted me to feel better about myself.
And then my tonsils swelled again, and I had the elders at church pray over me. When my friend found out that the elders had been praying over me, he asked what was wrong. I told him, and he looked like he would cry. He said, "I'm so glad you're alright. That's so scary...I mean...that's...I'm so glad you're alright."
I cried.
And then I started to see something. And that vision is fully visible to me now, thanks to Promise's song.
I am beautiful.
I am a broken, sinful creature that has walked through fire, but I am beautiful still. I am not perfect. But God loves me.
That is something I have not realized for years.
Something I have not said for years.
"I am beautiful."
My heart has been dashed against the rocks and has shattered into thousands of pieces, and it has been glued back together again, and shattered again as well.
But the saying, the three words, is still true. I am beautiful.
I will no longer listen to the lies that I am not good enough. I will no longer listen to my thoughts that tell me that I am alone. I will listen only to the Spirit which reaches into my broken, tarnished heart and whispers -- "You are beautiful."
And, dear, lovely soul reading this...
You are beautiful.
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